Journal

I am fucking sad and I hate it

Hello everyone! Welcome to the 6th month of lockdown due to the COVID-19 pandemic and kid you not, if this is a job, I would’ve been regular in a new company. I know I’m not the only one who’s suffering from this and it would be insensitive to tell you that I know what you’re feeling right now.

But enough about you, you’re on my channel so I’d be talking about myself right now right?

What I’m feeling Today

My head’s kind of floating, my feet is hard and is walking around thinking of things that need to be done. I’m thinking like I have a lot of things to do, but at the same time, I’m not putting any priority on it. So I’m doing the things immediately out of order and surprisingly, I’m just doing the small or short tasks.

In my mind, these things scaled in a way that even the small tasks became enormous and are now equal with serious or critical things to worry about like those bills. This is one problem for me now because I need to distract myself from the silence or I will be drowned again into that depression stage or that abyss.

What helped me fight that Sadness

Facebook Videos, Tiktok, and Youtube. Yeah, these are effective distractions with additional depression shots. Funny, because I am a frustrated content creator way back 2011 where I started my community. If you’re a gamer and you’ve encountered e-Collidex or HackTrigger, then you know the admin there or the name blitz18 or Ruu. I was also a part of GamerzPlanet, GameKillerz, and lots of things related to the gaming industry having a lot of users per day and people watching my videos and announcements or posts.

My Regrets

I ended my career in the gaming industry. I was earning a lot before and wasn’t need for any job until I was asked a lot of requirements when purchasing big items such as when I plan to purchase my own car. I was earning around 250 to 300 thousand monthly just by my contents until I decided to start a job for financial identity purposes. Due to my incredible record, I was hired at a top position and was hailed as the youngest junior executive or something, I don’t know, I’m not into that kind of stuff before. I was offered a salary which was not even a third of my income. This was the time I acknowledged myself a someone who made a lot by his own self. But I was already sold the moment I started, I was not able to think of anything for my content and was focused on creating things for others. So what’s next? The community died.

My Struggles

After spending a year, I thought, I made a mistake and I need to correct it as soon as possible. So instead of choosing one, I chose both, did my vlogs and my streams, but you know, both require the time and the other one requires more than that, it required me my image and like what the other people said, I became a dog for them. People yelling at me before saying I could break the world to becoming a dog, just like what Al and Edward sighted from the 2nd talking chimera in FMA. Long story short, I could not think of anything as I was always occupied because people keep on passing problems to solve, so my Creator image was sacrificed and when I spend time on my videos, I am being microed, yeah this and what’s up that which does not represent the image of an executive. This was the time I also asked not to hear anything negative in the office and not to include me in any sort of if they themselves don’t know what position I have.

Current Struggles

I created a software named Chasebot when Facebook Streaming was starting back in 2018 and because it’s relatively new, I want to join and be the first who supports the streaming industry and be the next StreamLabs or StreamElements but for Facebook. Some streamers find it great and want to integrate them into their own streams, and I did, I developed it. So I have to stop my vlogs and stream in order to focus on my program which later on turned into a business. As an Individual myself, I register the business, vlogged it as well, built the office, loaned some investment for it, and guess what? COVID LOCKDOWN mothafucker! I tried surviving it, I did at least 7 months with a few employees until I gave up.

Now I am carrying a lot of debts that I cannot pay with my current standing. My salary was halved, if it wasn’t I won’t be in this situation. But what else could I do? Nah just be sad for now.

What I plan to do

  1. I successfully cut my workload as my salary was already cut, and the job was stressful. Refer to my previous post if you have a superior with no regard for time, skills, and effort. It was also the post where I look forward to more as I can handle the stress on finances at that time.
  2. I’m focusing on the small things that need to be done. Small things accumulated and is a real pain in the back already. I know these are just easy such as going to banks to deposit some checks, getting stickers for the car. You know the easy things I refuse to do but no one else will and for months it keeps pinging in my head which adds a burden.
  3. Be more positive and not to try, really hard. My reason for my resignation is to be happier so I can create more content and be more positive. Now that I am given a chance to work and be happy, I should not miss this chance.
  4. Draw timeline. I am a damn human, not a robot, I am inconsistent. So I’ll tell google to remind myself about the routines I should be doing. Like go get sunlight, walk so I could have a shape, don’t forget my supplements, and most important of all, don’t overwork.

My fucking medium is time, and I already lost the meaning of it. Time is everything for me back when I was so active. Now time is the only thing I have and what I am spending into waste.

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